What are your best qualities?
I feel like this one's new to kind of embrace. I have learned that I am so strong and so resilient. I'm physically strong, and I am mentally strong. And I think with everything that we went through with IVF, the resilience came with it - or the realization that I was resilient. Just finding like strength and the little parts of me I love.
Do you have any undesirable qualities?
I feel like I would love to get rid of my anxiety, like everyone does. I would love to be able to walk into a room and not think about crazy things. But I love myself, you know? And like, I think my anxiety also is a good quality that I have. It makes me who I am. There's parts of me that I don't like, but I don't know. You're catching me at a really funny time in my life where I don't want to think about all the things that are wrong because I'm just so proud of myself to be here.
What do you love the most about your body?
I really do think it's the strength that I found going through the shots. I when we first started, I would say to Gabe, I can't do this. There's no way that I can do this. And then my body would show me differently. I think when you sometimes think that you can't, your body will show you ways that you can. And that is such a beautiful part of life, of being a human. Like not just a woman but finding strength in yourself. It's almost like your body, your mind and your body are one. But then sometimes, if you're feeling like your mind is making you doubtful, your body will show you we can do it. And not even in the strength in the way that working out is beautiful and like getting your body strong like that, but knowing that your body is equipped with tools to help you get through whatever you need to get through. It's amazing.
Tell us the story about your IVF journey..
I thought this is the way that my life is going to go; I'm going to get married, I'm gonna get pregnant, I'm gonna have a baby. And then, you know, from there, whatever. But when we got the roadblock of infertility, it was like my life stopped. I was really hard to come out of. It was really hard to push forward. Then when you're pushing forward, you're going through tests that were so invasive too, the tests are awful. And then you're not done. Then you go to shots, and then you do your retrieval. For us, it was bad news after bad news after bad news. That was tough. But you find a haven within yourself, and you find it within your partner with infertility, and you come out of it a lot stronger than you went into it.
I came out of it such a different person. I think before, I took life for granted a little bit. Every day was kind of the same. When we went through it, you have to find happiness and beauty and your love in things. You have to be really look for it. And so I think that because I started looking for these things in everyday life, I became happier. And even though we were going through horrible, horrible things, I have the ability now to look at things a little bit more positively than I might have before I went through it.
I feel grounded. I feel more like this is my life and I have control over it, and my body is going to do what my body is going to do and what will be, will be. What a beautiful life. I can't imagine going through it and feeling differently. You're not going through it alone, which is like amazing because you have a partner to go through it with. But we also have to worry about each other. I would do it again, despite it being so hard.
How is your relationship towards your body changed compared to your younger self?
I have never felt more beautiful in my life than than how I feel now. Even through IVF, I feel like when you watch your body do crazy things like be able to take shots every day and go through those procedures, and then also be able to carry a human being - women are incredible. Women are so incredible to be able to do all of these things. So in high school, when I think about how I looked at my body, it was very like surface level; how skinny can you be or how toned or tan. And now I'm like, oh my gosh, my body has given me so many deeper things than how hot I could look. When you see that your body can do different things and be a tool for you, that's where the empowerment comes from. And I feel empowerment now. I'm empowered now versus when I was in high school.
How do you incorporate self-love into your routine?
I journal to the baby every day. I feel like as much as it is for him, t's also for me. A congratulations every day we we got through this. Little things like putting like body butter on and seeing how my body has changed in that intimate way of putting lotion on, it's just amazing. Especially when you have a baby inside of you and you're like, okay, "I feel you," but I'm also doing it for myself. Just doing things for myself. If I wanted to go on a walk to the beach at 6:00 at night, fine, I'm gonna go because that's what my body wants. You have to be really in tuned. I think that's my big theme right now is that I've been able to get my body in my mind in tune with each other. I feel peace. And that's of a fantastic feeling and something I haven't felt for a long time.
What is a reminder you want to keep with you after the baby comes?
That I am so strong and powerful. I'm going to show my son what women can do. I hope that
that never leaves. I hope that I champion other women. I hope that this mentality, this happiness in my body, is what I can keep going with.
What is one of your qualities you wished shined brighter than your exterior appearance?
I wish people saw how strong I am. I don't I think when we think about how lstrong people are, we look at them and they're have muscles but to carry a baby and to go through all of the hormones that's kind of a secret battle. I think pregnancy is still like a secret battle, and it could be lonely. I just wish people could see how proud I am of myself for being so strong.
What is one lesson you hope to instill in your children about self love and body acceptance?
I think it's really funny because when we first found out we were pregnant, my idea was that I was having a girl, and I feel like sometimes this question could be easier to answer if you're having a daughter, because it's my experience as a woman. I feel like I've thought about it a lot, and I want him to know that there is a special quality in finding and being kind to everyone. Acknowledging that everybody's battle is different. Even if they don't look like you, or they don't sound like you, or they're going through something different, they are human, just like you, and empathy goes a long way.
What is something you wish you could have told yourself at your most fragile state?
I wish I could have hugged her. I wish I could have told her that everything is going to be okay, you know? And not in the sense of dismissing feelings, but there's going to be life beyond it. Tthat goes for so many stages of my life. I think most recently with infertility. Everything is going to be okay and that it's okay to feel what you feel. Look at the beautiful things in life and everything that you're blessed with and keep that in your heart so that you have motivation to go forward.
What is the best compliment you've ever received?
Every day when my husband tells me I'm beautiful. I don't think there's any other greater feeling than your partner telling you something like that. Because I know it's not even you're physically beautiful. He has seen me at my worst times and I think he really acknowledges that. He loves my spirit.
